I hate myself more than i've ever hated anything in my life lately.
Sunday was one of those days where my life just completely changed, all my fault, all my stupid thoughts and stupid mistake, I hate my mind and i hate my heart totally, i hate my inability to make decisions, to have the sight to see what i want and clear my head.

Things have changed, ive changed with my thoughts and feelings and i didnt want to. Relationships change and i don't want them to. I want to be taken back a couple and half years and then maybe all the shit thats gradually changed us could be prevented, i could tread morecarefully, i could join yoga or some shit like that to try an control my stress and anger that was taken out on you.

I love you more than i can take, i love you so much my heads fucked and i feel sick, i feel hollow and lonely, i feel completely lost, i feel like a loser, an idiot and ungrateful.
I don't know why i do do these things or why my body gives me the feeling that i don't want to be with you, but these past few days have been like fighting a losing battle between my heart, my useless mind and my gut. I know what i want to want but what i want might be completely different and i just hope i can trust myself to feel what i want instead of think, because right now my brains turned to mush and i cant even begin to stomach the thought of thinking about a serious matter.
I don't want to hurt you and i don't want to make you wait, but i'm making myself wait too because if i decide to just take three steps backwards to last week, just because without you i feel indescribably shit, and i dont care if thats not a word, then i might be taking you back for the wrong reasons, i ended this because of life reasons, maybe i feel like i not moving forward but something just told me i should, i felt it in me and i resent that bastard feeling that did it, but maybe this is for the better and if its for the worst, i'm sure it can be fixed.
11/10/2005-23/05/2010.
It feels like a fucking death.


" Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."