Paul Fessey Photography

Yesterday, i went out for the day with a guy i know called Paul Fessey because he was doing a photoshoot for me for free with all his pro stuff.
It turned out really good, i returned home fucking blue with cold, covered in sand and mud and pretty cheery.
Mad like how i made a friend in literally a day haha, thats kind of what i need, more friends cos they drop away from me like fucking flies.

But anyway i've had a couple of photos back from Paul which i'm pretty well impressed with especially the lying down one, despite seans negeative comments, he's the only one who didn't like them so i'm still happy.

Its just urged me to try harder now to lose more weight so i can actually feel comfortable and go for magazines like FRONT and go for underwear modelling when im 18.

Fuck.My.Life.

FMLFMLFMLFMLFML
seans just told me how will likes my blog cos im bluntly honest, thats what i like about it too, my blunt honesty about how shit my life is goin at the time or how certain people are pissing me off.
This is my place to rant, to get shit off my chest or as sean calls it my "stress toy". This is my more private place to express myself and i couldn't care less about how uninteresting or moany or disorganised this blog could be.

Chuck Close

I think this painting is nothing but beautiful.
The first painting i have properly appreciated.

I'm Mr.Brightside

Today im starting to feel a bit better, in all fairness it's about time because i didn't think i could get any lower.

"And I just can’t look - it's killing me.
And taking control,
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea,
Turning through sick lullabies,
Choking on your alibis,
But it’s just the price I pay,
Destiny is calling me,
Open up my eager eyes,

‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside."

...

I seriously, completely and utterly fucking give up.
I have had 6 tattoo cancellations in the past week and a couple of enquiries which were just teasers.
On top of my completely currently shit in every aspect life.

And to be completely honest with myself and whoever reads this, i'm sick of hearing everyone else's good news. Good for fucking you.

How about send some my way hey?
No, didn't think so. I'm so sick of trying. Im just so sick, phsically thats one of the nicest things im feeling at the moment and its shit.
Im in that place where it feels like nothing is ever going to get any better, and i hate it, cos feeling like shit never, ever, ever lasts this long.

Today..

I've realised i don't think things could get any worse.
Its got to the point where i want to disappear or have everyone and everything around me disappear.
Either way, its what i want.

"Today i found my friends, they're in my head."

Oh hey, best friend....

I'm so fucking miserable its untrue.

Afraid to say

I am so shocked, fair enough when your single then yeh ur free to do whatever with whoever, but when youve been broken up with ur gf for less than a week, its a bit of a piss take to go shagging your ex girlfriends best mates mate!
seriously what the fuck. Drunken house party or not, who gives a fuck.

Aside from that, (even though im absolutely fumin that people think its ok to do that and also cos its with someone i know which makes it worse..) i had the shittest sleep ever last night which involved the shittest dream ever. i cant get it out of my head as though it was real. Basically, in a nut shell, sean had been "seeing" some girl from my school behind my back for three years and shagged her twice and all her friends were kicking off on me saying i was out of order to be angry, FUCK YOU COURSE IM GONA BE ANGRY.
but yeh i know its not real so i need to calm down but i currently feel sick and very upset. It was devastating, i hope nothing like that ever ever ever happens. I dont think ive ever been so distressed in my sleep before!

I feel that shit today i really dont want to go to college, wow i think i may actually be clinically depressed, to miserable to leave the house. I just want to sit and cry all day.