Love!

I am going away for a while
But I'll be back don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
And it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run from them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles

Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify
Our broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run to them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away

And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles.

I hate myself more than i've ever hated anything in my life lately.
Sunday was one of those days where my life just completely changed, all my fault, all my stupid thoughts and stupid mistake, I hate my mind and i hate my heart totally, i hate my inability to make decisions, to have the sight to see what i want and clear my head.

Things have changed, ive changed with my thoughts and feelings and i didnt want to. Relationships change and i don't want them to. I want to be taken back a couple and half years and then maybe all the shit thats gradually changed us could be prevented, i could tread morecarefully, i could join yoga or some shit like that to try an control my stress and anger that was taken out on you.

I love you more than i can take, i love you so much my heads fucked and i feel sick, i feel hollow and lonely, i feel completely lost, i feel like a loser, an idiot and ungrateful.
I don't know why i do do these things or why my body gives me the feeling that i don't want to be with you, but these past few days have been like fighting a losing battle between my heart, my useless mind and my gut. I know what i want to want but what i want might be completely different and i just hope i can trust myself to feel what i want instead of think, because right now my brains turned to mush and i cant even begin to stomach the thought of thinking about a serious matter.
I don't want to hurt you and i don't want to make you wait, but i'm making myself wait too because if i decide to just take three steps backwards to last week, just because without you i feel indescribably shit, and i dont care if thats not a word, then i might be taking you back for the wrong reasons, i ended this because of life reasons, maybe i feel like i not moving forward but something just told me i should, i felt it in me and i resent that bastard feeling that did it, but maybe this is for the better and if its for the worst, i'm sure it can be fixed.
11/10/2005-23/05/2010.
It feels like a fucking death.


" Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

Paul Fessey Photography

Yesterday, i went out for the day with a guy i know called Paul Fessey because he was doing a photoshoot for me for free with all his pro stuff.
It turned out really good, i returned home fucking blue with cold, covered in sand and mud and pretty cheery.
Mad like how i made a friend in literally a day haha, thats kind of what i need, more friends cos they drop away from me like fucking flies.

But anyway i've had a couple of photos back from Paul which i'm pretty well impressed with especially the lying down one, despite seans negeative comments, he's the only one who didn't like them so i'm still happy.

Its just urged me to try harder now to lose more weight so i can actually feel comfortable and go for magazines like FRONT and go for underwear modelling when im 18.

Fuck.My.Life.

FMLFMLFMLFMLFML
seans just told me how will likes my blog cos im bluntly honest, thats what i like about it too, my blunt honesty about how shit my life is goin at the time or how certain people are pissing me off.
This is my place to rant, to get shit off my chest or as sean calls it my "stress toy". This is my more private place to express myself and i couldn't care less about how uninteresting or moany or disorganised this blog could be.

Chuck Close

I think this painting is nothing but beautiful.
The first painting i have properly appreciated.

I'm Mr.Brightside

Today im starting to feel a bit better, in all fairness it's about time because i didn't think i could get any lower.

"And I just can’t look - it's killing me.
And taking control,
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea,
Turning through sick lullabies,
Choking on your alibis,
But it’s just the price I pay,
Destiny is calling me,
Open up my eager eyes,

‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside."

...

I seriously, completely and utterly fucking give up.
I have had 6 tattoo cancellations in the past week and a couple of enquiries which were just teasers.
On top of my completely currently shit in every aspect life.

And to be completely honest with myself and whoever reads this, i'm sick of hearing everyone else's good news. Good for fucking you.

How about send some my way hey?
No, didn't think so. I'm so sick of trying. Im just so sick, phsically thats one of the nicest things im feeling at the moment and its shit.
Im in that place where it feels like nothing is ever going to get any better, and i hate it, cos feeling like shit never, ever, ever lasts this long.

Today..

I've realised i don't think things could get any worse.
Its got to the point where i want to disappear or have everyone and everything around me disappear.
Either way, its what i want.

"Today i found my friends, they're in my head."

Oh hey, best friend....

I'm so fucking miserable its untrue.

Afraid to say

I am so shocked, fair enough when your single then yeh ur free to do whatever with whoever, but when youve been broken up with ur gf for less than a week, its a bit of a piss take to go shagging your ex girlfriends best mates mate!
seriously what the fuck. Drunken house party or not, who gives a fuck.

Aside from that, (even though im absolutely fumin that people think its ok to do that and also cos its with someone i know which makes it worse..) i had the shittest sleep ever last night which involved the shittest dream ever. i cant get it out of my head as though it was real. Basically, in a nut shell, sean had been "seeing" some girl from my school behind my back for three years and shagged her twice and all her friends were kicking off on me saying i was out of order to be angry, FUCK YOU COURSE IM GONA BE ANGRY.
but yeh i know its not real so i need to calm down but i currently feel sick and very upset. It was devastating, i hope nothing like that ever ever ever happens. I dont think ive ever been so distressed in my sleep before!

I feel that shit today i really dont want to go to college, wow i think i may actually be clinically depressed, to miserable to leave the house. I just want to sit and cry all day.

SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT

shit mood, shit life, shit person.
I have no career path in life which is slightly worrying as i'm leaving college in approximately 10 wks and hopefully launching myself into a dissatisfying, degrading job as an apprentice tattooist which will see me through nothing but lack of money for 2 years. Two years or so working and no money.

I'm shit at almost anything, i have no proof of success in any aspect of my life, i feel like a complete failure (mainly to myself?), i'm a shite girlfriend, i feel angry all the time, and last night pretty much summed up my relationship and caused me to initially break down, so fuck knows whats to come next. I'm unhappy.

The Beloved- Sweet harmony.

I've woken up pretty hungover and im gonna be a true rebel and bunk college for the full, day means i get to spend it with sean tho, which as a matter of fact is my favourite thing to do latey, even if i have been a bit of a psycho bitch and i think he's been a bit of an ignorant, distant twat, but i think we sorted all that out yesterday and its safe to say, no matter how shit things go between us i still love him more than i coould possibly love anything else in the world.

I also came to the conclusion last night both drink and smoking,(smokin which ive been trying really hard to give up btw) are so shit for me, i dont just mean my health either i just mean life. Ive not enjoyed drinking the past few times its happened anyway and to be honest, even if i do, the hangover is never worth it.
So ive woken up this morning and said no more fags, or drinking at all now,and no more junk food cos there was some skinny bitches out there last night and they were damn sexy. Im just too fuckin chunky.

However, i took this piture this morning as i woke up, i dunno why, my webcam has shown the vanity in both me and sean, but to be completely blunt here, im rather impressed that some days, i can actually wake up looking half decent with my pencilled eyebrows still i tact and my foundation still looking pretty6 smooth, and my hair looking better than it has done for days, unbrushed and messy.
LOVE IT.

WOW;

chelsea hasn't updated in a while.

i should probably update more often...so im gonna try not that anybody but me reads this thing.
my past few weeks havent consisted of much exciting, probabloy cos ive been a miserable bitch for weeks now, i blame BSFC and my over expenditure, the hole burnt into every pocket and my purse. I can't save and its shit.

Its been half term which was pretty good, didn't want to go back to normal life whatsoever like, but today was my first day. It was shit.SUPRISE SURPRISE. My half term was pretty snazzy though, just, slept and watched tv and sat off with sean pretty much everyday, had a hangover which was magically and gratefully cured by notting hill and coffee.

Ive also got a rather annoying sleep definciency lately, or more getting to sleep is the problem but i get pretty concerned when i look at my clock just as im drifting off to sleep and realise i have less than 8 hours sleep to come, proper gets me down.
(see this is whyy i should update more often cos i just end up rambling on for ages!)Slight irritance coming from a few people at the moment and myselfr, but hey, there always fucking is with me.

On a happier note, i got a photoshoot done by Cat Kershaw on thursday just gone, it was free and went well as i came out of it with £50's worth of photo's, only 3 cos all people want to do nowadays is rip you offr but like i said, it was free and we did it kinda FRONT style and i ended up a very happy lady, with a satisfying outcome ;)

I'm aloud to be vain on this one occassion...